It’s been a little over 1 year that I lost my Mom. The waves of feelings throughout this past year have been a new experience for me.
Mom’s passing came unexpectedly and also during the same year that the Coronavirus hit. It was right after my Dad was in the hospital and he just came home with some significant health challenges of his own. When my Mom got rushed to the hospital and it didn’t look good, the waves of emotions were feelings I have never felt before. That entire week it was a spontaneous crying throughout each 24 hour period that was felt deep in my body and soul. My Mom & I were very close, even when we were 3000 miles apart. The love I feel for her is immeasurable – always was, always will be.
At first, I didn’t know what to do with those feelings, since they were new and intense and not typical of me. I usually don’t cry, even at sad movies. But of course, this was different. This was my Mom who was no longer going to be on this earth with me. I wouldn’t be able to talk to her every day. I wouldn’t be able to hear her “unique” responses when I told her to focus on what she was grateful for. I wouldn’t be able to hear her make that sound that she made when she didn’t like something. I wouldn’t be able to hug her again. It was a lot to process, but I allowed myself to feel it all.
Grief is weird.
I will never forget that week. And what made it even more surreal was that the day my Mom went into the hospital was the first day of extreme wild fire smoke entering our city, where the quality of air was extremely poor and ash was all over the cars outside. Everything outside and inside smelled like wild fire smoke. The hospital corridors smelled like smoke, even with a mask on (due to Covid restrictions). Man, did she pick some day to go out and start her transitioning journey!
The grief has come in different forms during this past year. I say “grief is weird” – because it is not something that is predictable or logical. It comes in waves and at odd and unexpected times. You can’t make any sense of when that feeling of deep sorrow hits. And here’s the key to it all – accept it for what it is. Allow yourself to feel the waves of emotions and then do what I have been doing, pivot to something that makes me still feel connected to my Mom.
Ever since she passed, I see a hummingbird come to my terrace and I think of her. I actually blow her a kiss (in the special way we did with each other during Covid times, when I was being cautious to keep my distance in order to keep her safe). Mom loved sweets, so it would be no surprise to me that she would come back as a hummingbird, drinking only sugar water and enjoying it thoroughly! LOL
I also have full-on conversations with her every day, sometimes all throughout the day. I ask her for “signs” that she is listening to me and most of the time she sends them. I will look at the clock and it’s her birth date or one day I asked her for a sign while driving and a couple of minutes later I saw a license plate that said “1Mom” and right after that I saw graffiti that said “Care Care Mom” — come on, you can’t make this stuff up – the people we love DO communicate with us once they have passed.
And that’s what brings me a feeling of relief.
That’s what makes me still feel connected with her.
That’s what always reminds me of the immeasurable love I have for her.
I often ask her to visit me in my dreams. And you know what? She does in different ways – often the message of the dream being exactly what I need at that point in time to process this new life without her being here.
Allow the process of grief to morph. Feel what you feel. But don’t allow it to consume you. Build a “new relationship” with your loved one who has passed. Of course it is never going to be as good as her/him still being here on earth with you. I want to hug my Mom right now. I want to hear her voice and her witty comments again. But I remind myself that we are still connected. We can still communicate in a different way with each other. The love still exists and will be eternal.
Your loved one is watching over you. Your loved one, who you miss so much, is still with you – but in a different way. Look for the signs of that. Believe that she/he is right by your side. Focus on the love you shared. Talk to her/him as often as you want. They are listening. I truly believe that.
Mom … I love you to the moon and back! 🙂
